It wasn't that long ago when I realised how my fear of rejection had gotten in the way of me accomplishing things, for stepping out of my comfort zone, for perusing my dreams. Let's face it, getting out of our comfort zone from time to time is good, it's healthy, it's what allows us to grow, it's what pushes us to the next level. I came to a point in my life about 5 years ago (age 23) that I realised my fear of failure and rejection was affecting me and preventing me from Pursuing my dreams, from growing and developing, it was causing issues with my relationships, problems at work, causing me to always second guess myself and say to myself "you're not good enough". It was so unhealthy and debilitating. I knew that I was a good mother and always gave my best at home and work. I loved my baby, my little blessing (1st boy 2 at the time) and loved my fiancé (we have an awesome relationship and I feel completely blessed to have such support and love from my partner) yet there were times where I would cause fights purely because of my insecurities and feeling like I wasn't good enough, wouldn't take my son out to events and parties because I was so worried about what people would think of me, or how I raise me my son, was I a good enough parent?.. I would let my partner take him to places and stay at home sometimes because the fear was so real, the anxiety was so real and not only was it effecting me in my life it was also effecting my son and partners life. Even when I did leave the house to see people and attend events I would get so worked up, I would either have an anxiety attack before I left the house or have an argument with my partner because I wasn't coping.. it was unhealthy and it was unfair, not only was it unfair to my partner and my son but it was also unfair to me.
Was I so bad? I had to make a decision.. and it hit me one day how unhealthy and destructive I had become to myself to my life and my relationships, I wasn't enjoying my life, or living it to the fullest.. I was punishing myself and ultimately my family.. because the fear of someone not liking me... or being rejected. It hit me, Was I going to let my fears get in the way of enjoying my life, enjoying my friends and family, going places, experiencing new things and perusing my dreams.. did I want my son growing up thinking that this was healthy or okay...No, I wanted him to grow up loving and accepting himself in every way, to pursue his dreams, experience new things, enjoy life to the fullest and not let any fear get in the way.
I had to change.. It was a choice that I had to make, I had to get out of my comfort zone. I was going to be me, and if someone didn't like me for who I am then who cares, my happiness doesn't come from others or their approval, my happiness comes from within. I started to accept myself for who I am. I started going places, We started enjoying more things as a family, I pushed myself at work and gained promotions, I was so much happier, my fiancé was happier and my son was able to see a happy and healthy mummy. It is so amazing how a single change in mindset can change your whole perspective of life.
I am a fun loving, crazy happy individual, I am passionate, sensitive and sometimes extremely opinionated.. I am creative and put my heart on the line.. This is who I am and people are going to like me for who I am or not but either way I don't let that affect me anymore.
I am not going to lie, there are times where that fear creeps in, where my anxiety gets the better of me.. I have my bad days as everyone does.. after all we are human. I just now choose to be positive, to give my friends, loved ones, my work, my amazing partner and 2 beautiful boys my best and the best version of myself that I can possibly give. I am pursuing my dreams because I want my boys to know that they can achieve anything that they put their mind too, that they ARE good enough, ARE strong enough and deserve the best that life has to offer.
I want you to know that whatever you are going through you aren't alone, that we all have our struggles, we all have our fears and sometimes life gets tough, yes it can be shit and you just want to escape and that's okay to feel like that, those feelings are real, remember we are human! I just want to encourage you to recognise your fears, to acknowledge your hurt or struggles and don't let them hold you back anymore. You are Amazing, ARE good enough, ARE strong enough and deserve to be the best version of yourself that you can possibly be, to be happy and enjoy the best that life has to offer!